Who is your Valentine, Lady?

#RealLife Story 

A lady in her early forties, educated and worked in a bank as branch manager shared her story of domestic violence by her husband which includes sexual perversion, beating, mental and physical torture.  She mustered the courage to open up recently to her brother after more than 19yrs of marriage. Having two kids in teenage, she now finally decided to get divorce because her kids are understanding their mom's plight. 

At the outside, this is a happy family with husband and wife working, kids studying in good schools, family, relations etc.  She had to quit her bank job due to various personal issues and is employed in some private company for survival. 

She stays away from her own house in the pretext of job so that she need not suffer his torture.   She doesn't have property or other financial support. Her job is crucial and she survives with hopes of being an independent and happy person thanks to her financial empowerment.  

She was always under the impression that its a "wife's" duty to accept the husband the way he is and if possible correct his bad habits. So all these years she tried to adjust and correct his personality disorder with love and care. But now she realized that she has lost her youthful age trying to live for someone else who doesn't value her and her potentials. But she has to go forward right?  

When I met her last day,  I felt inspired at her grit to survive all the physical and mental  tortures. We also think that domestic violence occurs in lower strata of society. But of late I am interacting and meeting several ladies who come from middle class and upper middle class and have faced violence in mild to severe forms. 

1. Ladies,  Do NOT accept / adjust to Domestic Violence at any cost. Get out of that marriage as early as possible. If children are a question - remember, Your Children deserves better home even if its by a Single mom. If money is a matter, discuss with your parents/ family for support. If that's not available, move out and take up a job for survival until you become capable of helping your kids. 

2.Always remember Financial Empowerment is key to women's empowerment.  Get an income at any age. Never quit your job/career for any reason. Your maternity break which sometimes goes upto 15 years then becomes your biggest barrier in life. But don't lose hope. Remember, where there is a will, there is a way. Start small .But keep going. 

3. Thirdly, remember, Your life is NOT meant to reform or correct a man's weaknesses or mental disorder or deep rooted patriarchal notions. You are an independent soul and you have a life of your own. Your age is never a deterrent for pursuing your passions or even finding a better partner. Being happy is your birth right! Love Yourself first and Be your own Valentine before you become someone else's 

We at Prayaana are trying to help single women / planning to be single women with jobs / business support  and are launching a self-help initiative to help such women on this March 2020. Do get in touch with us via www.facebook.com/prayaanalabs if you wish to contribute or nominate any such woman. 

The Government is now instilling several initiatives for helping women at distress. In Kerala, there is Mitra 181 helpline if u need support for domestic violence.  You can get shelter for free if you need to stay away from home for sometime or until you find a job.

#CeeVee 

 Did you read my poetry collection? If not
, You can buy it here 

The proceeds of this book completely goes to the NGO which I run, Prayaana Labs , based in India. Prayaana works towards empowerment of Women in providing skill development and entrepreneurship trainings.

Infidelity matters

In contemporary conversations on infidelity among married couples , one of the reasons attributed is the usage of social media by women. Last day, during my training sessions with Police officers, even the women in the group attributed rising instances of divorce cases in society to the usage of social media like Facebook and Whatsapp. They even narrated instances of housewives eloping with vegetable vendor or jobless youngsters after chatting with them. In all these conversations, the culprit is mostly the women. Whereas, in reality, it is both the man and the woman who are responsible for the act.

Now, let us analyse this a little deeper - a bit psychologically.

Yes, Social media has led to instant connectivity and thereby easier access to people of opposite sex. The positive side of this instant access which was earlier not much possible has led to people understanding and getting to know different types of people (apart from their partner). Men and Women have much better choices of friendship with opposite sex. And whether male or female, our innate natural necessity of propagation of our genes to next generation leads to infatuation and love affairs with attractive people. This is not dependent of whether we are married or unmarried. I don't have to remind you that the species of homo sapiens is inherently polygamous but culturally tamed to be monogamous. In olden days, access to "other men" was denied using various forms of cultural taboos like covering of face when an outsider comes home or not allowing the woman to go outside the house without her husband etc. Fast forward to this era, with better education and economic empowerment women are more liberal in thoughts and are also willing to portray their beauty and talents in public including the social media. This of course is a matter of interest to men who unfortunately are genetically coded to approach attractive opposite sex forgetting about their current commitments or fidelity matters. Same is the case with women who also finds "better" men when the one she has got already is not meeting expectations! Social media has definitely increased this access for both men and women by enabling a single click connect which was earlier not possible. Thus, we hear the rising number of "eloping mothers".
However, most sensible people do understand that its not just a social media profile, but a real human being with a heart and feelings on the other side. This is where most people mistake and start blaming social media for infidelity or broken marriages.

I strongly believe that fidelity is directly proportional to the strength of the relationship between two people. The stronger the love and relationship, the lesser the chances of infidelity.

In simpler terms, if a woman leaves her husband and runs away with a vegetable vendor, its because of his incapability to fulfill her needs in some manner. The same is applicable to the vegetable vendor who elopes with the lady. Instead of blaming the woman alone, let us understand the perspectives of both the people.

Well,there are also instances where we see women even from well off family - rich husband, all facilities, children, exquisite lifestyle etc also sometimes get into relationship with other men. What do we say about them? Again, we blame them for being a selfish and sexual thirsty person who despite all comforts went behind someone else. I think, all that we see outside : The loving husband who works hard for the family, who takes cares of the children, takes the family for outing etc might be fulfilling his roles of a parent or even the family needs. But need not be able to cater to all the needs of his wife. In joint families, men do take up all their roles of being a father, son, brother and the leader of the family very well. But may forget the role of a husband to his wife. The needs in a marital relationship includes physical, emotional, financial, intellectual, mutual respect and couple goals which requires hard work from both sides. Even failure in one area can lead to an unfulfilled need which can manifest as an emptiness in the woman's mind and end up as a reason for separation. And I also believe that there is some kind of a secret ingredient as well which kindles the chemistry between the couple forever. This connect happens over a period of time and not just in the early periods of marriage. And the moment this chemistry is lost, a psychological separation occurs and then the woman is almost like a blank slate where another man can be allowed to write his name if she wishes to. In our patriarchal culture , we somehow expect the woman to continue even in a broken relationship in the pretext of "marriage" "family" and "children". As I said earlier, thanks to economic empowerment of women, these kinds of chains do not bind her anymore.
So, the next time we share a news, blame and laugh at a married woman who eloped with a guy, think about this: Was she treated well by her husband? Wasn't the guy who eloped with the lady equally responsible for the decision? Is she really that hardhearted to leave her children just for sex with another man? I am sure, a real woman will have solid reasons before taking a harsh decision of leaving her family /children.

Now, coming to male infidelity, physiologically men are more vulnerable and susceptible to their sexual needs over other needs. This one thing can make them forget about their other roles. As a society, we tend to place male infidelity as more of a mischief than a serious crime. Thanks again to patriarchy, men easily overcome these situations by accepting their act as a "mistake" and not as a planned motive.In many cases, again, the women are blamed for "luring" the innocent man!

As a society, we are evolving.The concepts of marriage, child rearing, relationships etc are changing fast. This is an interesting phase of transition from secluded societies to more open societies - thanks again to the social media and connected humanity.

And who knows, we may even change the definition of infidelity in the coming future!

#CeeVee


`

 Did you read my poetry collection? If not
, You can buy it here 

The proceeds of this book completely goes to the NGO which I run, Prayaana Labs , based in India. Prayaana works towards empowerment of Women in providing skill development and entrepreneurship trainings.