My Birthday Wish!

I never thought I was beautiful when I was a teenager. Society around me teased me about being dark skinned. They said, “ who  will marry a dark skinned girl?” . They said “Fair is beautiful. Try applying some fairness cream” . They also told my parents, “Your daughters are dark. Save more money for dowry” . Having heard this during my teenage and early adult hood , I developed lower self-esteem and even thought that I won’t make it big in life. But my mother kept telling me, “Beauty is not about external appearance. But about what you do to the society with your capabilities and talents and leave a legacy as an individual”. I then started focusing on my strengths – my communication skills, my social cognition, my leadership and my optimism.  I worked hard and improved my knowledge base. However, my self- esteem was still lower and I used to shiver whenever I was on stage until a few years back. It was only after I entered my 30s, I developed confidence to even look in the mirror and accept my beauty. After 35, the acceptance went to next level – admiration. Today as I complete 37yrs , I feel I have become more beautiful than I was when I was ten or fifteen years back during my prime youth.   Yes, according to me a woman becomes more and more beautiful as she ages and as she fulfills her life’s purposes.

From time immemorial, women have been a thing of beauty. Many wars have been fought, many lives sabotaged – all for the beauty of a woman. We always heard of the most beautiful angels in fairy tales who took men by storm by their looks. But we also heard stories of valiant queens who ruled their state with their wisdom and intellectual prominence. However, most of these valiant queens became non-existent as time passed and societal expectations of a woman started shifting towards external appearance and stereotypical roles of motherhood and wifehood. We conveniently forgot the bold and beautiful and focused only on the external appearance of a woman. Society tried to instill lower self -esteem in women who were not falling into the beauty norms. Thus came the big growth in beauty and fashion industry. Today, beauty and fashion is a billion dollar industry surviving on just one thing – the lower self- esteem of women. Today's women are bound so much by the need to appear "beautiful" in front of everyone that she forgets about her true self. 

It is in the past two centuries that women have been reduced to a minuscule being to be within the four walls of the kitchen and anyone who tried to shift base was stoned at as an outcast from society. Society tried to character assassinate them. Even women around asked, “Why can’t she follow rules of the society and stay home?” A few of them broke those stereotypes and realized their dreams and potentials. Thus we did have some strange characters who shook the society and said, “We are the real beauties “

Recently I was fortunate to participate in a beauty pageant which was promoted as “redefining beauty concepts”. And I met many super talented women out there who had a great personality and were extremely beautiful and unique. Though the pageant was intended to redefine beauty, the assessment criteria was more about physical features and poise than the intellectual or personality aspects. And once again, the society tried to reinforce the concept of a woman’s beauty to physical features.  I appreciate the organizers for the brilliant initiative to redefine concepts of a woman’s beauty but also understand the difficulty in arriving at the standards of a woman’s real beauty.  And hence the easier option is to assess external beauty and their ramp walk style. Thus the winners were the best choice in terms of the stereotypical beauty norms that the society expects in a woman. 

However I am glad that when I stood on the ramp, I broke the stereotypical norms of beauty and probably inspired a few dark skinned girls out there to even try their luck in beauty peagents. Well, this is a universal phenomenon that girls who do not fit into the barbie doll norms of the society  undergo so much lower self esteem issues which takes years to overcome. Incidentally 90% of women think that they are not beautiful due to one reason or other. 

That's when I started thinking about a woman's beauty. When is a woman beautiful? Is it when she wears the costliest gowns or ornaments? Is it when she holds hands with her man and walks the aisle ? 

I think a woman's most beautiful ornament is her SMILE. Thus my concept of a woman’s beauty is her SMILE… And this smile varies in various contexts. And we find the real beauty of a woman in each of these situations. 

• ·         When she is able to understand and accepts her strengths and weaknesses
• ·         When she finds a purpose for her life and strives hard to achieve it
• ·         When she impacts the lives of people around with her capabilities.
• ·         When she mesmerizes her man with her inner beauty and glow
• ·         When she is carrying her baby in her womb despite all the pains of pregnancy.
• ·         When she feeds her baby despite knowing that she is losing the firmness of her breast.
• ·         When she watches the stripes on her body caused by pregnancy and feels proud.
• ·         When she looks at her own aging body and the grey hairs with happiness
• ·         When she cheers up a friend who is having a rough time
• ·         When she extends an arm to someone who needs help.
• ·         When she volunteers for causes beyond her family
• ·         When she is bold enough to speak for herself and for others
• ·         When she is angry about injustice around her
• ·         When she is happy about her goal achievement
• ·         When  she is thrilled about her ambitions
• ·         When she is at peace with her surroundings
• ·         When she comes out as a phoenix after her struggles
• ·         When she fights for her rights
• ·         When she leads a team towards success
• ·         When she is content about her present moment
• ·         When she fails and then decides not to quit
• ·         When she proves her worth to the world
• ·         When she feels healthy despite her ailments
• ·         When she dreams about her big future.
• ·         When she pursues her career on her terms and not on other’s terms.
• ·         When she falls in passionate love with someone
• ·         When she spreads happiness and  confidence to others around her
• ·         When she is ready to face any challenges head on
• ·         When she accepts her being alone
• ·         When she travels alone without worrying about what others say
• ·         When she takes a stand for what she believes is right.
• ·         When she feels respected by her man
• ·         When she feels accepted / appreciated by her society and people around.
• ·         When she can freely believe in a philosophy which she wishes to
• ·         When she enjoys financial freedom
• ·         When she is not judged by people around.
• ·         When she cares for others beyond their expectations.
• ·         When she is able to live a life on her terms.
• ·         When she is able to take decisions for herself.
• ·         When she can be herself.
• ·         When she makes a mark in her chosen field with her capabilities and intellect.
• ·         When she helps another human with his/her life or ambition
• ·         When she nurtures her kids as true citizens of the nation.
• ·         When she inspires fellow human beings with her life and brings a smile on another’s face. 
• ·         And lastly, when she breaths the air of happiness during her death bed, rather than that of regret.

 In each of the above SMILEs lies a woman’s beauty. The Real beauty. But as a woman of this generation, most of the times this smile may not be feasible.

And I also understand – the above parameters are very difficult to measure. And to me, the most beautiful women are those who have completed at least 50% of the above list. :)

  

So, today as I celebrate my birthday, my wish for myself is to become the “Most beautiful woman in the world” in the next 20 years!

Wish me ladies and gentlemen! :) 

And yes, dear society   are you really ready to redefine the beauty norms of a woman? I know its hard. Just try. Its worth it. You will get many more women of worth than what you have now. :) 

P.S: Well, for people who think I am asking for too much, just replace “she” with “he” in those statements that are applicable for a man. Then my wish will appear normal.

Live your life with JOSH - My story at Josh Talks Kochi

(Hi all, I am posting My Josh Talks Full Script. In the actual talk, I didn't narrate a few incidents due to time constraints) 

In 1994 , one important thing happened for girls in our nation. Aiswarya rai became miss world and susmitha sen became miss universe. This led to global dreams to millions of little girls in india. I was a little girl too . a 13 yr old with dreamy eyes who didn’t know what to do with her life until then. Suddenly got a new dream. I want to become miss world . well, just like you guys laughed now, my friends and family also laughed. They teased me. They said, you – look like a crow, how can u even think of becoming a miss world. I felt bad. I felt rejected . I went and asked my mom “ why did you give birth to me as a dark skinned girl? Else I would have gone to become miss world. “ My mom, just like an old proverb “every crow’s kid is a golden kid” . said, “you are beautiful. Most beautiful I have ever seen. And becoming miss world is not the definition of beauty. You can be better defined when you achieve with your capabilities. Study hard and you will grow big.” 

Well, this was one of my first failed career aspiration. Some of my early “NOs” in life. Yes, on an average a girl hears 75% more NOs and DONT's  than boys.  But I then decided to work hard and make a mark in this world with not just external beauty but also with my deeds.

Hello all. I am Chandra vadhana , a dreamer and doer,   an  entrepreneur,academician , voice artist , dubbing artist, Trainer and an RJ . I wear multiple hats and balance multiple professions. I think doing multiple things helps me in being always active, enthusiastic and being happy always. Yes, Girls are generally good at multi tasking. That’s how the nature has created us.

So, the little girl grew up to do her studies and being brought up by a working mother, the one good thing that happened to me is that I had life skills, and I always wanted to be independent. So, when the parents of other girls in the family saved money for dowry, my mother insisted that its spent for our education and exposure. I became an NCC cadet, travelled to various parts of India and people around asked my parents , “ How can you send your girl alone to far off places ?” She said, she knows to manage herself. If not let her learn how to do that.  I was fortunate to get that kind of parents.

Incidentally My first NCC camp was an utter failure . but once again, my mom said, “ you should go for the second one . else I wont allow you in my house.” Though I went reluctantly, I later went on to become the best cadet and also represented the nation in youth exchange program.  So, after every first failure, a push by someone helps to get back in track. And If there is no one to push, push yourself! 

 It was in my college days that I wanted to become an entrepreneur. But no one in my family liked the idea – just like me becoming the missworld . But I  persisted. I set up a goal to do MBA so that  I can learn business. 

I went on to do an MBA and got campus placement in a social project and  I felt “wow” . Now I am standing on my feet. I worked hard and my first job was brilliant! Meanwhile  I got married. Yes, two kids as well. Then came the predicament – with no one to take care of my kids, my mom died when my daughter was born. I had no option than to quit my job. Though I tried to get back to career after first maternity , it didn’t last long because I then got pregnant with second one! For the next four years – it was a struggle period. The fight between my lost dreams of becoming an entrepreneur and here I am– managing two kids and big house. 

During those days, I sent out resumes to many companies. And never got an interview because probably the hr managers got confused because here is an mba with no experience in marketing, hr or operations and a mother of two babies. Why take headache! I then started emailing to some officers and big guys whom I met in my first job. I wrote “Sir, please help me. I am having problems. I cannot survive with just my husband’s income and we have house loan and two little kids. Give me a job or recommend me to someone .” One gentlemen replied, “ Chandra, don’t lose heart. You are very talented. Whatever you facing now is not problem. They are temporary situations. These are challenges and you should face them courageously. All the best” . yeah , it sounds inspiring. But at that time I was like “ I ask for a job and you give me motivational speech? To hell with you”

But, years down the lane this one statement has helped me to overcome much of the struggles that I faced further. Look at every trouble as a challenge for you to overcome . remember it comes to you because you have the power to overcome it. 

So, during that challenging period, I registered for my psychology degree. I completed my masters in psychology and started freelancing as a trainer. I got fascinated by the field of training. I imagined myself to be a world renowned trainer and speaker. It was in those days, the entrepreneurial bug bit me and with no full time job, I decided to become an entrepreneur. Me along with another friend of mine with her little kid started a co. – an HR consulting co. Well, those days, the word startup was not in the dictionary. The only word was “business” and it was not what something an educated girl from a decent family does. Period. You are supposed to work either in a bank or become a lecturer.  Sterotypical jobs . Well, with nil support from family and friends, we couldn’t survive beyond 1 year and I still remember the day I locked my office and came home and cried like a baby . And I gave promise to my husband that I will never do business again. (which I later broke!) 

I then took up a teaching job. Things became normal .Kids started school. Life moved on. Me being an aspirational girl always , I sometimes get the feeling that I shouldn’t be in a comfort zone. The moment I feel so, I jump into troubled waters . So, while I was happily teaching, I got admission for phd and I quit my job. While I was a researcher ,I also had a second profession as an RJ . Having multiple professions helps in widening your network and thus, I got to do an interview of a leading businessman in Kochi. After the interview, he said, “you are smart, why don’t u join my company?” I said “yes” and during my next interview, I said, “Sir, I have been successful in whatever I did so far, the only thing I failed is business. My family says I can never be an entrepreneur .I want to learn enterpreneurship” He gave me job to work right under him and for the next two years, I was actually “interning” to become an entrepreneur! 

In 2014, I quit my job – high paying one and plunged into entrepreneurship once more. I faced lot of struggles in the first two years that  I was sent out of my own office twice . After two years, I realised that my major weakness was that I went behind whatever someone else told me was right. In one such failed moment and with an ultimatum from my family – “either you quit business or we quit you!” , I organised an event what I call as a turning point in my life. It was a conference for trainers and it helped me get connected with a good network of professionals for the first time. Network of right people is critical for success. When you are surrounded with wrong people, you end up doing wrong things! 

So, after tasting one small success, I then decided, “ I will do what I feel is right. Even if it fails, I am responsible” .This policy helped me to take risk. I took a loan and started to work on my innovative online product “ t4trainer.com” .we became Nasscom 10k startup. Flourished well. Made a decent brand. And that’s when the next  blow came . My entire team of 8 people quit except for one girl. I am back to square one. I had mostly fresher girls and for their families – this job was a timepass until they found a suitable groom. So, finally, with my single member team and with no office, I worked from home.

In December 2017, I got the next big blow. The portal which I had put effort for more than an year got hacked . I contacted every IT professional I knew for help but no one could retrieve the site. Failures after failures are something I got used to by now! 

But one good thing about me is that I always come up with new dreams ! 

To cut the story short – these are all instances which probably paved the way to my current initiative Prayaana. Prayaana is kerala’s first employability , entrepreneurship and innovation ecosystem for girls . The two key areas we work on is college students and  women after career break and provide them a proper career orientation and support. I don’t want any young girl or a young mother with an aspiration go without necessary support , mentoring and facilities .  I want to create awareness about the importance of career for women and that “marriage is NOT the ultimate aspiration for a girl” . I also want to ensure better women participation in our economy. Our growing economy cannot afford the qualified women to be just homemakers. One reason whey women do not enter career is feeling of quilt and also lack of family / societal support. For all reasons , we need to create awareness – we need to sensitise our society which says “ quit your job when getting married . quit your job coz your husband got transferred. Quit your job , your child is in the tenth std” I don’t want you to Quit. I want you to find an alternative and persist.  I want the society to understand that a career for women is equally important as her marriage.

That;s what I did. Persisted through all the challenges . Today, we at Prayaana are changing the lives of many women to comeback to career and in re-instilling her dreams. India ranks very low in terms of women entrepreneurship. Forget entrepreneurship , we have been recently rated as one of the worst countries for women. Well, I don’t think we are so bad. If yes, we need to act immediately.  I tried in my little way through our Disha  campaign which happened in Feb .

We have also launched our C2C Mission which helps qualified housewives to comeback to career.

We give her the courage and competencies to go ahead and just like every good thing , a small side effect comes – a little bit feminism is also instilled ! And feminism for me is the opportunities that a woman can get to realise her true potentials.

One last story before  I stop: Prayaana is the name of the first failed project after I became an entrepreneur. The project was a job fair meant for a govt dept which after I putting in work of over a month got scrapped . Once again I came home and cried like a baby. Years later, when I wanted to launch the women initiative, no other name than this came to my mind – because, I could have failed the first time but I wont fail every time. Yes, Failures are temporary.

I started my story as a timid 13 yr old who lacked self esteem. But today, I consider it as a destiny that I am able to give confidence and inspire thousands of girls and women about their dreams! And I  have miles to go before I sleep.