Oh my God! Did that title make you a little uncomfortable? Is the word “Divorce” making you feel that life has ended? Does this word make you feel that society is in bad shape? Our value systems are degrading? Well, read on.
A couple of weeks back, I was “advised,” by a man who belongs
to a “conservative” and “traditional” family in India. He said, “I agree to
your feminism. But I request you to do something for the increasing divorce
rates in our society. Our family systems are failing because of the feminism
around. Feminists are created wrong notions in the minds of young girls and
they are not “adjusting” or “following our culture”
Well, this comment did not surprise me and most feminists
will agree to this comment from patriarchal people, be it, men or women. Divorce is considered as totally wrong and in
most cases, the brunt of it goes to the woman. And the reason most people cite
to say divorce is bad is this: “What about the kids’ future?”
Let’s look at this in
detail. First, look at these statistics
below.
The report titled "Progress of the World’s Women
2019-2020: Families in a Changing World" by UN Women, highlighted that
despite increasing rates of divorce, only 1.1% of women are divorced, with
those in urban areas making up the largest proportion in India. Well, just as
you were surprised, I am also surprised that India has the lowest divorce rate
in the world. But, should we feel proud of it?
The same report said that as the women’s rights have advanced over the
past decades, families around the world have become a place of love and
solidarity but also one where fundamental human rights violations and gender
inequalities persist. Despite the high levels of inequalities and injustice
meted out to women in families, our women do not seek divorce. Our women remain
silent. They endure all the prejudices, abuses and what not. Why? Is it because
of “fear of being single?”, or “fear of societal stigma”? , or “lack of family
support?” or “lack of financial support?” or “fear of affecting the children’s
future?”
Many people who watched the recent movie, “Thappad” which
shares the story of a girl who chose to become a “housewife” and ended by
getting beaten up in public and then decides to get divorced said that “All
this for one beating? Women have been suffering much more sufferings and
continue in bad marriages due to children”. Some even said that the movie was
“promoting divorce” for small matters! Well, I would say, the movie did hit
hard upon the various types of patriarchy and the stigma against divorce in our
society. The fight was not by one woman for one beating, but against the
centuries of oppression in the name of marriage rules. Our marriage system is
totally “one-sided” and protecting male interests in most cases.
Women in unhappy marriages are not able to leave marriages
due to the stigma and pressure of society. Often divorced women bear the brunt
of Indian society. They are blamed for their failed marriage, called various
names if they seek alimony or financial support and are more prone to
harassment post-divorce. Court proceedings, change in documents are some of the
problems women suffer while applying for the divorce. Multiple factors make
women stay in abusive marriages. These vary from social to economic to psychological
factors. For instance- girls grow up in households where abuse is normalized.
Women bear abuse by their fathers and brothers for years and grow up thinking
it normal. The entire culture of obedience and surveillance normalizes abuse at
the domestic level. Women are more likely to be killed while leaving an abusive
relationship than in being in that relationship. Lack of financial security
makes women vulnerable to poverty and they couldn’t seek legal help without
financial resources either. Many families refuse to keep their daughters with
them if they choose to leave their husbands. Most importantly, the legal
process is not only painstakingly long and slow, but it is also shielded by an
impenetrable wall of judges who subscribe as much to the “log kya kahenge”
(what will others think?) school of thought. We have seen family court judges
advising the partners to become more “compromising and adjusting” and in some
cases asking the women to be a “Pathi vratha” (an ideal wife). It is an irony
that a woman who seeks divorce is already emotionally separated from her
husband and whatever the judges say won’t matter to her. Especially in a country which upholds the
idea of marriage between strangers (arranged marriage), is a hotbed of failed
marriages due to gender inequality, and still doesn’t legally recognise marital
rape.
So, for those people, the stigma of getting divorced
outweighs the individual freedom or self-esteem of being in a bad marriage. But
in India, divorce seems to be the last resort.
According to the Atlantic,
“More divorces are a good sign for the economy.”
Loosely, it implies that people are more financially
independent, career-driven and due to the lack of a problematic spouse holding
them back domestically, more productive at work.
And Indian society needs to understand that divorce is not
the end of a happy marriage but an escape from a bad marriage. In the end, it
results in two happy individuals rather than one miserable couple.
Coming to the question of children. Yes, it does affect the
psyche of children who undergo the trauma of watching their parents fighting or
suffering from emotional or physical abuse or the uncertainty of separation.
These children may grow up to be fearful of forming positive relationships.
However, the big question remains: “Do you want to give a happy environment in
the family or do you want to give an unsafe/unequal/traumatic family
environment?”. As an empowered woman, I would choose the first over the second.
The same is applicable for any empowered woman. However, the issue remains –
“How many women in our society are really empowered to move to this decision?”
Some of the recommendations put forth by the earlier said UN
report includes amending and reforming family laws to ensure that women can choose
whether, when and who to marry; that provides the possibility of divorce if
needed, and enable women’s access to family resources.
Alright, now, my answer to the question which my male friend
asked me to do: to do something for reducing the divorce rate in society. I
replied, “Unfortunately I am sorry, I cannot do that. Because when we work
towards gender equality and women empowerment, it's very natural that women do
get awareness about their rights and also about the different hidden patriarchal
inequalities in the form of marriage, they do break it up. So, our divorce
rates may increase in the coming years. I would consider it as an achievement
if we have more divorces leading to more “happy, productive and empowered
women” than a whole lot of frustrated and unproductive women!”. The man who
advised me would have thought, “Here is another feminist, spoiling the societal
values!”
And one thing I have decided to do with such people is to say
“Let’s divorce”!
Yes, it’s time to divorce all that
unnecessary b*** s*** rules of the society which has been preventing a woman
from flourishing.
It’s time to divorce all the
patriarchal notions and unwritten rules which stigmatises the choice of being
single
It’s time to divorce all the legal/religious
systems which deny a woman from deciding who she wants to marry or live with.
It’s time to divorce all those
forces that consider a woman lesser!
Yes, It’s time to divorce the
stigma against divorce!
Cheers to Divorce!
#CeeVee
August 2020
