I am a bad mother !

Being in the USA during mother's day is an experience by itself. Past one week, most of the shops were "selling" mother's day with great pomp and show! There were "last minute" mother's day gifts , "under $30 " gifts, restaurant  table bookings and several mother's day campaigns . 

Keeping aside the festivities and celebrations, I think mother's day is a day to remember and acknowledge the role of a mother in the society. But the society has always dictated certain "norms" for being a mother. For eg: Let's look at the following 

- A good mother feeds her children first before she eats.

- A good mother helps her children do their homework 

- A good mother cooks great dishes - spends lot of time in kitchen making designer dishes which the kids love

- A good mother makes the bed of her kids after they wake up. 

- A good mother advises and guides her kids on all matters 

-A good mother punishes her kids for wrong doings  

- A good mother is always there and takes leave from work,  when her kids are sick. 

- A good mother saves for her children for their future (sometimes at the cost of not fulfilling her own wishes. Its a sacrifice she does for her family and she has to! ) 

- A  good mother teaches her kids religious and cultural norms 

- A good mother is also a  perfect wife for the  husband/ partner who ensures that the family is stable.

Well, we have been hearing this for ages and all these expectations mostly create a feeling of "guilt" to those mothers like me , whom I call "bad mother" . Well, what makes me a bad mother? Let me explain!

- I eat when I am hungry. If my kids don't want to eat at that time, its their choice. 

- I do not sit with my kids for their homework or even tell them to "Sit and study" , sometimes to the extent that once my son told me , "Amma , You are always studying yourself.  will you please tell me to "go and study" ?" , I replied, " I study because I want to be successful in my career. If you want to be so, you study. that's it! " He now studies because he wants to become a scientist in future. 

- I cook whenever I get time. And I cook whichever is easier and healthier. My dishes are NOT super tasty because I don't spend more than 2 hours in kitchen in a day. If the kids want so much decorated / designer dishes , I have Swiggy in my mobile or They have the option of cooking themselves as well. My son and daughter today bakes cakes and dishes they like by themselves, because they know that their mom doesn't like to do these. They enjoy baking / cooking while I don't.  

- I don't make my kid's bed / room etc. Infact every week, its their responsibility to clean their room and make it good. They arrange their shelfs , their uniforms , their books and I do NOT know where they kept their maths notebook or science notebook or socks!  

- I  don't advice my kids on every small thing. I discuss matters and ask their opinion. They share their opinions and I let them take decisions for themselves. Sometimes to the extent that they have opinion about family budget, purchases and their needs. 

- I don't punish my kids frequently. I shout at them once in a while when I have my fits of anger. However, I say sorry or they say sorry once they understand its their fault. 

- I celebrate both their  successes and  failures. I take them out for enjoyment especially whenever they fail in something. I discuss with them how they could have made their actions better and then succeed the next time. I don't compare them with other children because they are unique and exams / marks do not define my children. 

- I don't buy costly gifts for them. I don't save too much money for their future either. Instead spend NOW for giving experiences and exposure - meeting people and visiting places which they may not get in their school time. I share the stories of all my experience I gain through my travel so that they gain wider perspective. I spend my time for my fulfillment of dreams as well and tell them the importance of living a meaningful life. They know that they have to make their money and be independent in future .  They know that they should get scholarship if they need to get admissions in world class universities!

- I don't instill any religious rituals on them forcefully. Its their choice. 

- I am not a perfect wife who serves her husband and is always "adjusting". I fight and oppose when needed. My family days are not always happy as we see in movies or facebook ! 

Well, I am a bad mother, you know! 

My kids now in their teenage have chances of getting "spoilt" because I have made them too independent compared to other children of their age. They cook, they clean the house, they manage their studies , they take decisions about what they want, they have opinions of their own, they make their own choices. Well, this is a dangerous proposition for the society since they may become independent and fearless individuals as adults who may positively contribute to the society as leaders in whichever field they chose. They may become a worthwhile citizen to the nation setting high standards for themselves since they get more exposure to the world through their bad mother. 

Yes, I am a bad mother. :)

But, I would rather be a bad mother than be a good mother whose children can't manage themselves and expect parental support until their 30s. I would rather be a bad mother than be a good mother whose children end up purposeless in life , following the norms and expectations set by the society - ending up as ordinary . I would rather be a bad mother who enjoys her life and leads a life of purpose  thereby giving her children a path to aspire for in future. 

Yes, I am a bad mother and I too deserve a "Happy Mother's Day ! " 

Pic: Here are some Easter Egg Chocolates I ate while in the US. I know my kids would have loved to eat this. But I am a bad mother , you know! I sent them this picture and told them, " Go around the world when you grow up and you can eat many like these!"  

P.S: The above post may not be acceptable to many mothers and fathers. But you know, I am a bad mother - I express my mind freely! :) 

P.S 2: I am in the USA for 3 weeks trip as one the Fellows for International Visitors Leadership Programme , a premier professional exchange program fully funded by the US State Department. I am one of the 8 women entrepreneurs from India representing the country on a thematic study about women entrepreneurship practices in the US.